"You're a wonderful wife, don't let anybody tell you any different, alright?!" My husband said that to me today. I'm not sure whether he was saying it because he knows how I have been struggling lately to be a law student and a new wife or if he just felt like saying it. Either way, it encouraged me, it was just what I needed to hear at that moment. As you know, Brent and I were married just a little over a month ago. After the wedding and the honeymoon, classes started back just nine days later. Transitioning from our wonderful honeymoon to trying to get our house in order and everything unpacked and put away, to starting back to class has not been the easiest. My motivation for school is...for lack of a better word, lacking, and I just want to be a wife.
Lots of people warned me of this before Brent and I got married but it hasn't been quite like they said. Yes, it is hard to be a law student and a new wife but that isn't the part that bothers me, like many people said it would be. What bothers me is that sometimes I feel like I am not living up to the Proverbs 31 description of a wife because I am too busy with school. I get home from class and all I want to do is cook dinner and pick up the house, maybe wash clothes, you know, all of those "wife things" you do. The problem is, I get home and I have pages and pages of reading and research and it is all I can do to get something out of the crock pot and have it ready for Brent, much less the meal that I feel like he deserves. This might all sound crazy, but I really feel this way.
No, my husband does not demand I be that stereotypical wife that does everything he says to do whenever he says to do it but I desire so much to be the wife that I feel like he deserves. Just to make it clear, he has cooked us dinner several times, it isn't that he is a bad cook or that he gets upset when he has to do it, it is just that I feel guilty letting him. So, last night, I had a meltdown. Crying and pouting and trying my best to explain to him how I felt, or at least how I thought I felt. Over and over I told him he didn't understand and I didn't want to be a law student as bad as I needed to want it, to be able to get through school. I told him I just wanted to be a wife and eventually a mom and that all law school did was get in the way of that....and on, and on, and on. He finally interrupted me and corrected me, he said, "Why are you ignoring God? You never ignore God. You are not listening to him at all." He continued, "Over and over I have seen him reassure you that this is what he wants from you right now and you keep acting like that is not the case. God has shown you that you can do this and he wants you to, so don't worry about me and cooking dinner and washing laundry, it is my turn to take care of that. Worry about what God wants from you right now. Worry about school and let me carry the rest of it. I want to" Wow...at first I was resistant to that. It wasn't until today when he said, "You're a wonderful wife, don't let anybody tell you any different, alright?!" that I realized I am so blessed and that yes, like Brent said, I was ignoring God. I can be the Proverbs 31 wife I want to be and still allow Brent to help me, help is okay, as a matter of fact, it is good! Just because he does a little more than I would like for him to right now, does not mean that I am not doing my job as a wife. I need to accept that and be thankful that I have a husband who is loving and caring and Godly enough to realize when he needs to help, or even wants to help!
Have you ever found yourself so wrapped up in trying to be something else, that you don't realize you are ignoring God? Like me, trying to live up to my ideal version of a wife, it may be a great thing you are trying to do. But, sometimes even the great things get put on hold and it is not God telling you not to work towards that or that it is wrong, but it is God telling you that you are in the right place and that you just need to slow down and accept help. If you are in that place, just take a breath. Slow everything down, let somebody help you and don't feel guilty for letting them. Realize that God is not telling you to quit, he is just telling you to slow down! Listen to him, he will lead you in the right direction and provide help for you if you are willing to take it.
So my prayer today is:
Jesus, you see how hard I am trying. You know my heart and my desire to be the best wife I can be. To live up to my standard as a Proverbs 31 wife and to give Brent all that he deserves. Jesus, you see how hard it is for me to do it all. Thank you for telling me that it is okay, to not be able to do it all. Thank you for sending me the best husband in the world, who is willing to help me and who doesn't want me to do it alone. Thank you for helping me realize that I just wasn't listening to you and that I am in the right place doing the right thing and for helping me slow down. I love you so much, Lord. I just want to do this right, thank you for helping me! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Just take it to God! His burden is light! :)
xoxo,
-Em
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